My mind is a torture chamber. On the inside, I’m chained and shackled. I’m being beaten. I’m exhausted to the point of breaking. There is no escape. Darkness is overcoming me. My inner demons are beating me over and over until I have no strength to get back up. I want to scream, but I can’t. I’m literally trapped in my own mind. I’m starting to suffocate. The weight is too intense. The pain is almost too much to bear. I want to escape. I literally feel like I’m being tortured, eaten from the inside, out.
This is how depression feels. This is how I feel more days than I’d like to admit. It’s a terrifying experience, feeling like your own mind is attacking you. Feeling like you can’t escape, because if you run, your mind runs with you. There is no leaving your problems behind when they are carried with you all the time. It’s a parasite, latched on for the ride.
You know those days when you’ve got the worst head cold ever? Or when the stomach flu makes you be curled up in a ball? You say, “I’m so tired of being sick.” That’s what I say every day. Except for me, this won’t pass in 24 hours. It won’t clear up in a week. It stays with me. I have to learn to live with a hidden sickness.
That’s one of the hard parts of depression. It’s hidden. No one knows I struggle with this, except the few people I’ve shared this struggle with. I’m really good at hiding my depression to outsiders. But then I feel fake. It would be so much easier if depression was like a head cold. People could see that you’re sick. They’d see the reason why you called in to work. No one would blame you for getting a head cold. A bowl of chicken noodle soup, cough drops, and a box of Kleenex. People can give you these remedies. But not with depression. If people knew you were depressed, they probably wouldn’t know what to do. There is no easy remedy.
That’s why I don’t tell people. I feel weak. I should be in control of my own brain. I’m educated. I’m 4 months away from getting my Master’s degree. My mind goes through hard things all the time. So why is this so debilitating? Why can’t I have the mind strength to power through this?
But I know it will all be ok. I’m holding to my faith in my Savior, that He will help me back up when I am down. Because of Him, I don’t have to go through this alone. And that thought makes everything a little more bearable. Because of Him, I will be made strong again. I just need to remember that. It’s hard to remember I’m not alone when my mind is in pieces. But He’s there. He’s always there. He died so that I might live!